So, You’re a Comedian Appearing on a TV Talkshow...

By Erik Lobo, FAL.NET

Let’s discuss your upcoming spot on a national talk show. It’s the holy grail of all real comedians. Several strategies can help you come across as screamingly funny...

...if you're not bumped for an underwear model or dog act.

Dress Funny For TV:

• Wear thin stripes, busy plaids, thin-patterned herringbones or solid, bright red items of clothing - it tells the audience you are funny.
• Stark contrasts - like a dark jacket with a T-shirt and jeans, or a dress shirt buttoned all the way to the top with no tie - is as fresh today as it was in 1983.
• Wear large, shiny pieces of jewelry. Nothing is more hilarious than a comic who likes to show off.
• Dress one step below the setting where'll you'll be appearing. For a black-tux award show, comics could wear a sports jacket and tie, and women could wear a leather miniskirt and huge earrings. On a national late=night talk show, a jogging suit would be appropriate.
• Wear clothing to which it is nearly impossible to attach a tie-clip microphone. This way, you will have an excuse to constantly yell, close to the top of your lungs, in an endearing "wise-ass-in-traffic-jam" tone of voice.

Act Funny For TV

You may get nervous when the audience fails to split their sides at your fresh set of bitchy ex-girlfriend material. Here are ways to appear confident when the audience fails to entertain you.

• Make sudden jerky movements. Blast through the material as fast as you can - this bamboozes the audience into believing they are actually entertained.
• Convince a lukewarm audience how funny you are by repeating the punchline over and over again. Explain that they are unsophisticated, and that the joke always gets a laugh with smarter people.
• Get a slow audience started by laughing long and loud at your own jokes. Your refreshing ability to amuse yourself will be infectious, and the guffaws will come bubbling out.

Talk Funny For TV

If you don’t completely bomb, you'll be paneled or interviewed after your set. Instead of boring the audience with real conversation with the host about your family, background, beliefs and other nonsense, use this time as an opportunity to squeeze in three more minutes of your brillant gags.

• Always complain about how little time you’ve been given to tell jokes. This will endear you to audience members and show producers alike, insuring a return visit.
• If you concentrate on playing up to the audience, you can block out distractions from the host, his sidekick or other guests.
• Listen only for cues that will get you rolling with more wackiness.
• Try to suck up as much time on camera as possible. The best way to do this - interrupt what others are saying with cheap jokes throughout the show until you are asked to leave.
• When all else fails, swear. "Accidentally" let it slip that a more famous stand-up headliner has genital herpes. A bleeped out expletive is sure to get them talking at the watercooler tomorrow.

The audience will be so impressed with the fact that you’re always "on" and so very clever.

Funny Tricks For TV

The best comics who appear on talk shows use gimmicks to draw attention to themselves.

• Leer at a scantily dressed host or guest, Climb up on your chair, lean into somebody else’s shot, unexpectedly trip and fall or take your pants down.
• Buy a big trunk and fill it with a bunch of cheap oversized props from a magic or novelty store. There are many people who have never seen a rubber chicken or an oversized pair of sunglasses, and they will be easily impressed by amateurish, sub-par visual aids.
• Arrive with a fake clip you made yourself to show during interviews. Be sure to smile a lot and make thinly veiled comments on how cheaply made it is. This is so the audience knows it’s not a real clip and was in fact made by you, the comic. They will be so impressed with the fact that you’re always "on" and so very clever.

  With the current turnover of talk show hosts... you may even succeed in stealing the show for good.

Next, Part II: So, You’re a Comedian Hosting Your Own TV Talkshow...