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Dear Miss Appropriate-Behaviour
By Miss Appropiate-Behaviour
FAL NEWS SERVICE
As a public service,
Ms. Appropriate Behaviour will counsel
the asinine buffoons of the web-strewn virtual lonely heart's club,
officially referred to as The Internet.
She will respond to those nagging queries that come up in polite society.
As is her right,
she will also educate browsers on the finer points of modern etiquette.
Dear Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour:
My girlfriend says that I shouldn't fart at the dinner table. Everybody in my family farts at the dinner table. Is my family a bunch of low-brow white trash, or is my girlfriend a tight-assed little bitch?
- All Gassed Up in Detroit
Gentle Browser:
Farting, or passing wind, is not forbidden in polite society nor at the dinner table . The key here is to pass wind like a ventriloquist throws his voice. Send the noise toward the head of the table and glare at your hostess as though she committed the deed. When you master this skill, you will be on everybody's guest list.
Another proper way to fart at the table is to lean back in your chair, raising your buttocks off the seat, while slipping your napkin underneath you. Lower your buttocks and fart full-force into your napkin. After you have released the deadly mushroom cloud, carefully fold your napkin into a triangular shape and place by your plate in the 10 o'clock position. This is best done during a formal dinner (black-tie optional, of course).
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Miss Appropriate-Behaviour
in a rare whimsical mood. Read her award-snubbing article on Road Rage
Dear Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour:
What is the appropriate response when your hostess hands you a bill for services rendered? This is what happened to me. After drinks, dinner and the theatre, I was unprepared for this turn of events.
- All Tapped Out
Gentle Browser:
It seems apparent to Ms. Appropriate Behaviour that you misunderstood the intentions of your hostess right from the beginning of this comedy of errors. Was there a red light in her window? Did she refer to you as "John" during the evening's festivities?
When you are invited to "party" by a scantily clad, garishly adorned woman, then be assured, sir, that the woman is no lady and you will incur a fee for services rendered. Incidentally, perhaps you should visit your physician before accepting any more social invitations.
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