Six Minutes with Andy Ruinit
Transcribed By Merle Levy
FAL NEWS SERVICE Ever wonder why there are rainbows? People like rabbis, priests, and all those other do-gooder God-has-a-plan types insist it was God's promise to Noah that there would never be another flood. Tell that to the thousands of people every year who sit on their chimneys fishing their furniture out of the river! Scientists and other intellectual nerds try to convince us that when sunlight shines through a raindrop, it causes the light to bend and display a spectrum of colors we call a rainbow. Yeah, sure. And they all line up in a perfect arch over your head. I'll tell you why there are rainbows.
McDonald's.
That's why.
Whenever the sales of greasy little horse-Frisbees go in a slump, Ray Kroc's heirs shine a beam that creates "nature's wonder" in the sky. Craning your neck to gaze at it, your vision goes double and there it is:
The McDonald's "M" in glorious color. Big Macs, fries, and sundaes float before your eyes like hot-air balloons. You salivate, McDonald's gets richer, and your doctor gets to do another angioplasty! And what about hot fudge sundaes? You want one, really bad. You see the fudge brimming over the top of the scalloped goblet. The whipped cream rests on top in mounds. The cherry is cradled by the whipped cream cloud. Slivered almonds dance around the cherry. Take your first bite.
It's good, isn't it.
Hot fudge and whipped cream drip from your chin. Go on, have another bite. After all, you only live once. | Isn't it a shame that this sundae, oozing with sugar, fat, caffeine, and artificial flavors and colors will take at least a year or two off your life. That's two to six books, depending on how well you read. That's practically the entire run of "Lost in Space." Just think of the number of orgasms you could have had in that amount of time! And what about orgasms?
Talk about over-rated! You get all hot and sweaty after rolling between the sheets - or on top of the kitchen table, if that's your thing. You shake all over. Your entire body becomes flushed as your heart races out of control. Every hair on your body stands at attention. Muscles spasm. Toes curl. For what? So you can listen to the snoring/complaining, depending on your role in the relationship the same feeling sticking your car keys in the electrical outlet. And the outlet doesn't need dinner and drinks at Red Lobster first. You don't have to tell the outlet what a stud he is, either. It doesn't care if you use another outlet that happens to be convenient. And what about conveniences?
What is actually so convenient about them? Whenever I try to use them, there are always a lot of slobs ahead of me. I've spent more time cleaning a public "convenience" than I spend cleaning my own! And those stupid tissue doughnuts! Sure, they cover the toilet so the last one's germs don't touch your tender tushie. Then, they stick to you like you wish Saran Wrap stuck. So you end up handling the paper, mostly by the side alive and teeming with bacteria colonies, thereby defeating the purpose of using them in the first place. Then, there are the sinks. The only people using them are kids who stuff them with paper towels and watch them overflow. When you do find one that hasn't been destroyed by the little munchkins, it doesn't have hot water or liquid soap. You might as well have dipped your hands in the other bowl and used the tissue doughnut as a towel. Speaking of towels, I need one right about now. They'll be coming any minute with towels and the pills. Yes, the pills. Then I see the rainbows.
Mmmm. I could really go for a Big Mac... |
