Humor For Smart Turkeys With Bad Taste.

"Wallygate"- by Woody Latham

(No infringement of The Andy Griffith Show is intended by the following. The plot is mine, but the characters are not.)


FADE IN:


INTERIOR-MAYBERRY COURTHOUSE-EARLY MORNING

Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife is sitting, smugly and confidently, at Sheriff Andy Taylor's desk. He is, of course, in full uniform, complete with bullet in front breast pocket. He also fully expects, come election day, the desk to be his. He leans way back in the chair and props his feet on Andy's desk, claiming it as his own. Sheriff Taylor suddenly enters. He notices the smug look on Barney's face.

Andy: Now don't go kicking me out just yet, Barn.

Andy laughs good-naturedly. Barney is startled and embarrassed, and almost falls back out of the chair. He quickly rights himself.

Barney: I, umm, was just getting a feel for it, Ange. (turns serious) But, we'll sure miss you Andy. You don't have any regrets about retiring?

Andy: No Barn. The job's yours. After the election. So, I, umm--

Andy nods his head, a non-verbal polite prompt for Barney to get up from his desk. Barney takes a moment, then understands, awkwardly aware of his encroachment on Andy's "space"

Barney: Oh. Yes…umm

Andy takes his seat behind desk, while Barney sits at chair next to desk. He resumes the conversation.

Barney: If I win the election-

Andy: Oh, Barn. You're the only candidate. Quit worrying.

Barney: The only candidate, as of now.

Andy: The filing deadline is one week from today. After that, you're home free, Barn. Now quit worrying about that. We have Gomer's homecoming to prepare for. He's coming in this afternoon. A big crowd's gonna be down at the bus stop.

Barney: Nobody's heard from ol'Gome in years. Not even Goober.

Andy: That's right.

Barney: But one's things for sure, Ange. (proudly) Gomer Pyle heeded his country's call, unlike those pathetic, paci-fis-tic …pinkos…who high-tailed it across the border!

Barney points north. Andy nods.

Andy: Yes, Barn. But time in the service, especially time at war, can change a man.

Both Andy and Barney stand and begin to leave. Barney shakes head is disbelief as he follows Andy out the door.

Barney: Gomer Pyle? A changed man? Ange, after all these years, you should be a better judge of character than that.

Barney's admonishment brings a bemused smile to Andy's face.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXTERIOR-MAYBERRY TOWN SQUARE-LATER THAT MORNING

A crowd has gathered waiting for Gomer Pyle's return from Vietnam. A microphone has been prepared, with an American flag backdrop. Patriotic bunting has been placed on surrounding buildings, while many in the crowd wave tiny American flags. The scene captures the essence of small town, patriotic America. A bus enters the square, nearing the bus stop. Cheers erupt from the flag-waving crowd, and the Mayberry Town Band enthusiastically strikes up a sincere yet lousy rendition of the "Stars and Stripes Forever". The crowd surrounds the bus as it stops, with a "greeting committee" of Andy, Barney, Goober, Aunt Bea, and Opie stepping to the front of the crowd facing the bus door. The band continues to play, off-key. The crowd continues to cheer expectantly, as the bus door opens and passengers begin to depart. Passenger after passenger exits, as Andy and the rest patiently nod in greeting-yet, still no Gomer. The stream of exiting passengers ends, causing Andy and Barney to exchange puzzled glances. Their puzzled expressions turn to shock at what they see next. Gomer Pyle, USMC. Wheel chair bound, paralyzed. Long hair, bearded, in worn fatigues. He wears an American flag bandanna. His once na=EFve smile is now replaced by a jaded scowl. As he is lowered to the street, the band stops in mid-tune. A shocked hush falls over the crowd, and the camera slowly pans …..a pitying glance from Aunt Bea…confused look from young Opie…a concerned expression on Andy…a patented bug-eyed, pursed-lips take on Barney…and from Goober, eating a double-dipped ice cream cone, a double-take, dropping the top dip on the second one.

Finally, after a period of awkward silence…

Gomer: (ironically, sarcastically) Sur-priiiize……sur-priiiize……sur-priiiize.

Andy: (obviously caught off-guard, searches for right words) Ah…uh…, welcome back, Gomer….

The assembled crowd, following Andy's lead, murmurs polite, sympathetic welcomes. Gomer, although politely acknowledging the greetings, remains expressionless. Nobody mentions, at first, the obvious source of concern-his physical condition and disheveled appearance. Finally, Aunt Bea, near tears, is moved to speak.

Aunt Bea: Gomer, dear, why didn't you tell us? (hugs him)

Gomer: (startled at show of affection, finally shows emotion) Aunt Bea, please don't. (the others begin to offer their concern. Gomer waves them off) Enough!! Gol…..ol…..ol…..lee, it's not about me anymore!! (from the gut) It's about the system, man!! It's about the….Establishment! (near tears)

Members of the crowd exchange puzzled looks. Gomer notices the microphone. He rolls himself over, and begins to address the crowd. There is an awkward moment as he gathers his thoughts.

Gomer: Citizens of Mayberry. Family (nods to Goober), friends. (nods to Andy, Barney, Aunt Bea, Opie, then suddenly) Gomer says hey!! (turns serious) What are we fightin' for? (launches into carefully enunciated baritone) Dooooooon't ask me, I don't give a…(pauses) = 3;"darn" , 'bout that Vietnam!

Andy and Barney again exchange puzzled, concerned looks.

QUICK DISSOVE TO:

EXTERIOR-FRONT OF WALLY'S FILLING STATION-DAY AFTER

Goober Pyle is working underneath the hood of a car. Next to him sits Gomer, in his wheelchair. Goober is dressed in his standard garage apparel, Gomer continues to wear his "disgruntled vet" garb. Dialogue begins in mid-sentence...

Gomer: So you see, Goober, I may have lost my legs in 'Nam, but I gained a higher consciousness.

Goober: (pause) Well, you almost made Andy and the others lose consciousness with that speech of yours yesterday.

Gomer: Mayberry needs to learn that the war in Vietnam is wrong!

Goober: (nodding) The war. Right. (suddenly remembers) Gomer. Tell me again about that "May Lay" Massacre!

Gomer: (annoyed) Oh, Goober…that was "Mei Lei"

Goober: (confused) You mean you lied? (shaking head) You ort-not do that, you hear?

Gomer: No…no…Goober. They're the ones who lied! The Establishment.

Goober: The "es-tab-lish-ment"? What's that?

Gomer: The powers-that-be, Goober! The oppressive military in-dus-trial complex, from the President down to…..(dramatic pause) Andy Taylor himself!

Goober: (long pause…then…with a huge, goofy grin) Andy knows the President? (abruptly) I-be-dog.

Gomer: Are you listening to me, Goober? (pointing) There's a whole 'nuther world outside Mayberry! Don't you care?

Goober: (nodding) Yeah. Gilly Walker and me went frog giggin' last weekend near Mt. Pilot.

Gomer buries his face in his hands.

Goober: And you know what?

Gomer shakes head no.

Goober: We're going back.

Gomer: (exasperated) I meant the world way outside Mayberry, Goober. Ain't you heard? The world is a-changing, Goober. It's blowin' in the wind!

Goober: (puzzled look…licks finger, sticks in air) There's a fair breeze, Gomer, but I'd hardly call it blustery-

Gomer: I meant society's changing, Goober. Have you heard of the women's movement?

Goober: "Women's movement"? What's that?

Gomer: Women's Lib?

Still no acknowledgment from Goober.

Gomer: Women's Liberation?

Goober: Well…Aunt Bea's Ladies Guild and Garden Club meets every Saturday afternoon at Clara Edward's, if that's what you mean…

Gomer: No…no. How 'bout the "sexual revolution"? You have heard about that, Goober?

Goober: (at mention of the word "sex", Goober assumes a shy, "aw-shucks" demeanor) Ahhh…c'mon.

Gomer: The Free Love Movement?

Goober: (breathless) Free Love Movement?

Gomer: Yeah, man.

Goober: Well, ummm…(embarrassed smile)…n= o…but…ain't love supposed to be "free"? I mean, I may treat a girl to a dollar thirty-nine special at the diner, but that don't make her beholden to me…

Gomer: No, no Goober. "Free Love" means we should all become less sexually inhibited and repressed, that we should throw off the shackles of traditional morality and embrace sexuality as a positive humanistic force, paving the way for social justice, equality, and the end of war itself!

Through Gomer's impassioned speech, Goober listens intently, and his eyes widen.

Goober: (whistles approvingly, then…) That means I'll get more dates, huh?

Gomer: Right.

Goober: (quickly, with goofy grin) I like it.

Gomer: (inspired) Groovy! Welcome to the cause, man. Just think, Goober. (peering into space) You and me, Goober and Gomer Pyle, will be the ones who finally haul this un-en-light-ened town into the Age of Aquarius!

Goober: Hot dog!

Gomer: We'll "let the sunshine in" on Mayberry, Goober!

Goober: Shine it on down!

Gomer: (rubbing hands maniacally) And for us to shine that light, Goober, we must seize political power. I will run for sheriff.

Goober: (suddenly loses his enthusiasm) But…Barney's running, Gome. Everybody knows Barney's takin' Andy's place--

Gomer: (annoyed) Don't you get it? Barney's as bad as Andy.

Goober: He's part of the Establishment?

Gomer: Yes.

Goober: He knows the President too?

Gomer rolls his eyes.

Goober: Why ain't Andy and Barney ever said anything?

Gomer: (sensing a way to convince Goober) Hmmm…You think they'd tell you? You're just a lowly auto mechanic, exploited by the Man!

Goober: (dumb look) You mean Wally?

Gomer: (nodding yes) And anyway, you can't trust Andy and Barney. They work for the Man.

Goober: (another confused, lingering take) Andy and Barney work for Wally? (broad grin) Boy, that Wally sure gets around, don't he?

Gomer: No, no, no. Andy and Barney are cops. They're pigs. Pigs work for the Man.

Goober: Ahh, that ain't right, Gomer. Wally's got a couple of heifers and a billy goat, but he ain't had any pigs since he sold'em all to old man Schwump.

Gomer: (rolls over to Goober, reaches up, grabs his shoulders) Listen to me, Goober. Cops are pigs. Pigs are part of the Establishment. Andy and Barney are pigs. Andy and Barney are part of the Establishment. Understand?

Goober nods, a bit unsure.

Gomer: They must be stopped. I'll become sheriff; you will be my deputy. Together, we'll usher in a new era! Power to the people!

Goober: (excited, then…) Wait, Gomer. If we become sheriffs, won't that make us "pigs" too?

Gomer: (taken aback by Goober's sudden display of logic) Ummm…right, but…(thinks) But, we'll be good pigs. Pigs with a social conscience.

Goober: Right.

Gomer: Like…oink…man…(gives peace symbol)

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

EXTERIOR-MAYBERRY TOWN SQUARE-FEW DAYS LATER

Mayberry town square. A sizable crowd has gathered around a central stage. Draped behind the stage is a hug banner proclaiming "Pyle for Sheriff". The crowd is like no other large public assembly the quaint town of Mayberry has seen-a bucolic Haight-Ashbury. The long repressed Mayberry countercultural revolutionary scene is finally revealed, inspired by the emergence of Gomer and Goober as its spiritual leaders. Signs are everywhere. Quick shots of toted signs-"Give Pyle a Chance", "All We Need is Gomer", "Heck No, We Won't Go", plus shots of the Viet Cong flag.

There begins a succession of quick scenes of the performers appearing at this "Mayberry Woodstock". Interspersed are numerous shots of the crowd, showing various displays of hippie debauchery.

=B7 Scene featuring the Jim Lindsey Experience, an act formed by the guitar virtuoso after his split with "Bobby Fleet's Bopping Beatniks", formerly "Bobby Fleet's Band with a Beat". Lindsey is dressed in Hendrix-style sartorial splendor-including headband and mod, ruffled shirt. At one point, we see Lindsey drop to his knees, reach into his pocket, pull out a matchbook, and attempt to light his guitar (ala Hendrix). Lindsey, though, after numerous tries, fails to ignite his instrument. Frustrated, he simply smashes it instead.

=B7 Scene featuring the dulcet folksy tones of Rafe Hollister, whole stokes the crowd's anti-war fervor by singing Pete Seeger's "Waste Deep in the Big Muddy".

=B7 Scene featuring the Morrison Sisters, elderly hippie/folk songbirds, former moonshiners, now purported hashish producers/dealers, who sing a "winking" a cappella version of "Puff, the Magic Dragon".

=B7 Scene featuring Gomer dramatically and carefully enunciating his baritone version of "Blowin' in the Wind".

Gomer's climactic performance ends the musical portion of the ceremonies. With the crowd properly riled against the hated "Establishment", Gomer senses the moment. He begins to speak from the stage.

Gomer: (peers into the huge crowd, seems impressed) Like, Goo…..oooo…ollll….ly, Man! Groooo….ooooo….oooo..vy! It's about time that our generation was heard!

Crowd goes wild.

Gomer: Theirs is the generation of war and pre-jud-ice. Ours is the generation of peace and togetherness!!

Crowd: Yes!

Gomer: Theirs is the generation of brutality and oppression. Ours is the generation of beauty and expression!

Crowd: Right on!

Gomer: They are led by Andy Taylor and Barney Fife. Can we afford another four years of the status quo?

Crowd: No!

Gomer: That's why I want to be your next Sheriff, with Goober as my Deputy!

Goober: (steps to mike) 'Cause two Pyles are better'n one!

Crowd: Pyle for Sheriff! Pyle for Sheriff! (the chants grow louder and louder)

Suddenly, we see the familiar black and white patrol car pull up to the side of the stage, as the crowd makes way. Andy and Barney exit the car and push their way through the still chanting crowd. Andy looks troubled; Barney looks both perturbed at Gomer's campaign announcement and horrified at the crowd. They finally climb onstage, next to both Gomer and Goober. Goober, enthusiastically leading the "Pyle for Sheriff" chants, suddenly notices them, and sheepishly quits. Gomer seems defiant.

Andy: (politely, awkwardly) Umm…Gomer…we…we've had complaints from area businessmen…

Barney: (abruptly, sarcastically) Nice speech, William Jennings Bryan. You have a permit for this three-ring circus of yours?

Gomer: (defiantly) That's typical. The heavy hand of the powers-that-be suppressing the people's right to peaceably assemble!

Barney peers out over the assembly of rural hippiedom. Quick shots of some of the more "extreme"elements of the crowd are seen.

Barney: (disgusted) This ain't a "public assembly". It's a public atrocity!!

Andy: (ever the diplomat) Barney-

Barney: (continuing to pan the crowd) This has got to be the motley-est collection of unwashed bo-hemian odd balls, cranks, and n'er-do-wells I have ever seen. (turns to Gomer) With you as their leader!

Goober: You ort-not call us names, Barn-

By now, the crowd has ended its "Pyle for Sheriff" chants, and stands with rapt attention to the ongoing argument onstage.

Gomer: Ahhh…let him, Goober. It's just the pathetic rantings of an "Establishment" figure who knows his days are numbered!

Goober: (remembers) Yeah. The "Establishment". (turns to Andy, in a hurtful tone) You and Barney never told me 'bout your secret club-

Andy: What?

Goober: (angrily) And how is your good friend, the President of the United States, huh?

Gomer: It's too late for discourse, Goober. We must seize control of our government. We must seize control of our destiny!! (raises clenched fist to the increasingly volatile crowd)

Crowd: Yeah!!

Andy: (increasingly wary of the growing hostility of the crowd…whispers) Maybe you ought not use such language, Gomer…the crowd's getting riled up-

Gomer: (incredulously) Ohh? Afraid of the people, are you? Afraid of…democracy, Sheriff? (turns to crowd) You hear that, good people of Mayberry, RFD? "Kind", "trustworthy", "salt-of-the-earth" Andy Taylor, is afraid of you!!

Crowd gives a collective gasp. Barney grows increasingly nervous.

Andy: (now angry, under his breath) Gomer. You know darn well this bunch (nods to crowd) doesn't represent Mayberry. You're provoking these people-

Barney: (out loud) Yeah! And we could haul you in, buster, for inciting a riot!

Gomer: Oh…a riot? If it's a riot you want, I'm sure my people (nods to crowd) would be happy to oblige!

Andy and Barney look stunned. They look at each other, and decide to…

Andy: Ok, Gomer, I'm sorry it had to come to this. You're under arrest. (nods to Barney) Read him his rights.

Barney: You have the right to remain silent…

Before he finishes, the angry crowd converges onstage.

Gomer: (amidst the confusion) Mayberry! You are witness to yet another example of police brutality and the Establishment suppressing our freedom. (wagging finger) Shame…shame…shame…(starts chant) The whole town is watching! The whole town is watching! The whole town is watching!

The chant grows louder as the converging crowd prevents Gomer's arrest. Andy and Barney decide to vacate immediately, retreating to the patrol car, and driving away, amid the continuing hostile chants.

DISSOLVE TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-A FEW DAYS AFTER THE RALLY

Since then, the insurgent Pyle of Sheriff campaign/movement has been responsible for a number of demonstrations, sit-ins, etc.
Andy is sitting at desk, while Barney paces in front.

Barney: (exasperated, a bit paranoid, he slams down a newspaper) Have you heard what those no-good, commie…(searches)…boobs…are saying about me? Huh? (trembling) Have you?

Andy: (sitting calmly, legs crossed) Yeah.

Barney: And what about these…these demonstrations and rabble-rousing?

Andy: (nods) Yep. They sure are a sight.

Barney: Why, yesterday a group of those unwashed Bippies-

Andy: "Hippies", Barn-

Barney: Whatever. A group of 'em staged a "sit-in" at Floyd's Barber Shop.

Andy: (bemused) A "sit-in"? What's that?

Barney: Oh…it's where an angry bunch of hippies get together and just sit.

Andy: At Floyd's? That's all anybody ever does at Floyd's. (smiles) Well, we know that weren't waiting for a haircut, that's for sure. (laughs)

Barney: (unamused at Andy's apparent lack of concern) Go ahead and laugh, Sheriff Nero! Laugh while Mayberry burns!

Andy: Now Barn-

Barney: No, Ange, I've had it. Had it up to here (raises hand to eye level) (smugly…confidently) Yes sir, Ange, it's time to take off the kid-gloves of political discourse. If those simpletons want to…"waller in the mud"…well, we'll just waller in it, Andy!! (pacing, bug-eyed, pursed lips, punctuating each word with slashing hand gesture).

Andy: Barney, I wouldn't do that-

Barney: I'm wallering, Andy. I'm wallering!!…….If that …….(searches again)..boob= …thought he saw actions in Vietnam, he better watch it now! I'll make it hotter that a fire-fight on the Hoochie Man Trail!! (meaning "Ho Chi Minh Trail") Yes sir! What we need is to find out…exactly, what those commie boobs are up to!

Andy looks alarmed.

Barney: (tones voice down, sincerely) You know, Ange, I'm not too keen on…(looks around.. whispers) political shine-anigans (looks around again, continuing whisper) But what we need is…(looks around yet again)…a..(another look)…clan- ..des-..teen operation! (assumes a bug-eyed, pursed-lips, determined look)

Andy: Spy on Gomer and Goober?! (shaking head) Now Barn, we ought not get caught up in such as that-

Barney: (thinks a moment, pacing) Naw…maybe not one of us…but…we could…maybe we could…ahh…enlist…somebody bold enough…somebody…sneaky enough…somebody…crazy enough….to keep..ahh..tabs on those no-good Pyles--

Suddenly, a brick crashes through the courthouse window. Outside you hear the unmistakable cackling of…

Andy and Barney: (together) Ernest T.!

FLIP OVER TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-MOMENTS LATER

Ernest T. Bass sits on the edge of a chair, hands on his knees. Andy sits on the edge of his desk, while Barney hovers over Bass, intensely explaining his plan to make Bass head political operative responsible for maintaining Mayberry "security".

Barney: Now Ernest T., do you understand what's at stake? Gomer and Goober Pyle are not just a threat to you, me, or Andy.

Bass nods intensely, bites lips. He moves closer to the edge of his seat.

Barney: (lost in his patented hyperbole) Gomer and Goober Pyle are not only a threat to the fair city of Mayberry-

Bass nods even more intensely, his rage building. He edges forward…

Barney: Gomer and Goober Pyle are not only a threat to the US of A--

Bass edges closer…closer…about to explode.

Barney: (boldly, smugly) Gomer and Goober Pyle are…out to subvert our very way of life!

Bass: (springs out of chair…crouches/hunkers down, wild-eyed, punches air..Manson-style) Gomer…and…Goober Pyle!!! Pin-ko ...Sub-ver-sives!! (punches with each syllable)

Andy shakes head. Barney seems frightened.

Bass: You want me, Ernest T., to keep mah…eye…(still hunkered down, jabbing right eye, opened-wide)..on them…there…com-moon-ist (stresses each syllable) Pyle cousins!! Is that right?!

Barney: Affirmative, Ernest T.!

Bass: (confidently) That's a big Mis-ter Rog-er..Wil…cooooo..on that!! Deputy Fife, you will not be disappointed! (shakes Barney's hand wildly) Consider it…a…fait ac-com-pli, mi ami-go! (with that strange turn of a phrase, Bass scampers out the courthouse door)

Andy: Barn, you got him pretty riled up there-

Barney: Andy…drastic times take-

Andy: (nodding) drastic measures, I know…I know. But don't you think sicking Ernest T. on Gomer and Goober is a might too drastic?

Barney: (again) Drastic times take -

Andy: Oh hush, Barney.

SLOW DISSOLVE TO:

EXTERIOR-WALLY'S FILLING STATION-THAT NIGHT

Light of a full moon illuminates a "Pyle Campaign Headquarters" sign in front window. A rustling sound is heard behind a row of bushes alongside the filling station. The head of Ernest T. Bass emerges. He is wearing a black stocking cap. He looks one way, then the other.

Bass: (giggles) Looks like nobody's home, now don't it, men? (rises up, throws a rock through the plate glass front window, knocking down campaign sign…causing him to chortle) Bullseye! That there's a gift to you from me, Ernest T. Bass-- you dirty, stinkin' com-moon-ast!

The head of Briscoe Darling, patriarch of the bluegrass pickin' Darling Family, emerges.

Briscoe: Now see here, Ernest T.! You're a-fixin' to get us caught! The boys and I agreed to go in there and snoop around a bit, in order to find out what those no-good pinko Pyle cousins are up to, but your shineanigans are goin' to ruin everything!

As he complains, the largely emotionless Darling brothers, four backwoodsmen who remain essentially mute unless pickin' and grinnin', pop up in succession.

Bass: (ignoring Darling) Let's hit the beach, boys! (points forward)

Bass hops over the hedge and scampers to the broken window. Briscoe and the other Darlings follow. They enter the filling station.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

INTERIOR-FILLING STATION

In the darkness, Bass, Briscoe Darling, and the other Darlings proceed to pull out boxes, rifle files, and generally wreak havoc.

Briscoe: Ernest T., I'm curious. What did Barney want us to find?

Bass: Barney? I don't rightly know.

Briscoe: Then why did he send us here?

Bass: He didn't. He didn't. (irritated) Now keep a-lookin' for in-crim-in-ating in-for-mation!

Briscoe: (stops, grabs Bass by collar) Barney doesn't know about this? This is your lame-brained idea?

Bass: (bristles at being grabbed) Hands offa me. Nobody bullies me, Ernest T.!

A fight ensues between Bass and Briscoe. In their struggle, they both crash through the remainder of the window, and end up outside. They are suddenly caught in the headlights of the familiar black and white patrol car. Andy and Barney step out, shocked at what they see. Andy turns to Barney…

Andy: (glaring at Barney) Drastic enough for you, Barn?

Barney again assumes bug-eyed, pursed-lips expression.

FLIP OVER TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-MOMENTS LATER

The suspects are locked in the twin cells, Bass in one, the Darlings in the other. Andy sits at his desk. Barney is again pacing in front.

Andy: Barney, we have to come clean-

Barney: (while pacing) Oh, sure. (as if proclaiming future newspaper headline…) "Deputy Sheriff Masterminds Filling Station Burglary" (glares at Bass and the Darlings) Nice going, fellas. (to Bass) Ernest T., I asked for undercover surveillance, not a rock through their window!

Andy: Listen Barney. These boys have already confessed to breaking and entering. Because of their blabbing, people are getting suspicious. Mayor Stoner has called for a public hearing. You might as well fess up-

Barney: Are you listening to me? Are you deaf? I never told Ernest T. and the Darling…gang…to ramshack Wally's!

Andy: You put him up to it.

Barney: Umm…(scheming) Ahh…maybe we could…umm…blame it on the "Cuban" thing…

Andy: Huh?

Barney: I got it! (snaps finger) We'll say…Ernest T. and Darlings broke into Wally's to steal that stash of illegal Cuban contraband cigars Goober keeps in the store room for special occasions! (walks over to the jail cells) Got that boys? (reaches into pocket) There's 50 simoleons (flapping bills) in it for each of you, if you can keep up the ruse!

Andy shakes head in disbelief.

DISSOLVE TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-TWO DAYS LATER

Mayor Stoner sits at Andy's desk. A witness table, covered in green felt, is positioned in front of the mayor. Behind the witness table are spectators sitting in folding chairs. All the principal characters are present. A clearly nervous Barney and a sullen Andy are sitting in the front row on one side, while the Pyle cousins sit in front on the other side. Gomer is in his radical disgruntled vet-garb, wheel-chair bound, while Goober is now "hippie-fied", with tie-died shirt (with Wally's Service Station patch), denim bell-bottoms (with grease rag in back pocket), and crown-beanie on head. Goober is also, inexplicably, eating a bag of salted in-the-shell peanuts. Gomer seems openly hostile towards Barney, directing an occasional steely stare in the Deputy's direction. Goober concerns himself with his snack. Ernest T. and the Darlings remain incarcerated in the twin cells behind the spectators. Mayor Stoner begins.

Mayor: (sternly, yet rhetorically) Now, we all know why this…(controlling indignation)..unprecedented&= #133;hearing has been called, now don't we? We are here to inquire into the accusations that the recent break-in of Wally's Filling Station by Ernest T. Bass…

Bass is shown, mugging.

Mayor: Briscoe Darling…

Briscoe is shown, scowling.

Mayor: And the Darling brothers…

They are shown, stone-faced as usual.

Mayor: (continuing) was, in fact, part of a larger, more sinister conspiracy.

Gomer: (suddenly, blurting out, answering Mayor's rhetorical question, pointing towards Barney) Yes! Barney Fife's no-good, il-legal, dirty tricks campaign!

Goober, surprised at Gomer's outburst, drops his bag of peanuts and shells. Gomer, shaking and wagging finger, continues…

Gomer: Shame…….shame……shame…….!!!

Barney: (angered, rises to rebut) Zip it!! (Andy, sitting beside Barney, futilely reaches for Barney to sit down…as Barney points at Gomer…) You…..commie…..zealot!! (he mispronounces it as "zee-lit")

Gomer: (turns to spectators) Zee-lit?? Look who's calling who a zee-lit? A…….fascist!!

During this heated exchange, Goober is seen crouching down, picking up stray peanuts and discarded shells off the floor. Mayor Stoner becomes more and more incredulous during the confrontation, while Andy sits staring forlornly into space.

Barney: Zip it, zee-lit!!

Gomer: Fascist!!

Barney: Commie!!

Gomer: Nazi!! (mispronounced with long a)

Mayor: (slams down gavel a few times) Order! Order! Never in my years of jurisprudence have I ever seen such infantile hysterics in a court of law!!

Goober glances sheepishly.

Goober: Well…….um…..I….picked up all my peanuts. (looks around for affirmation) Even the shells…..

Barney rolls his eyes.

Goober: (shaken by all the stares, defiantly)…= ;Well……I did…

Mayor: Now, let's all focus on why we are here, shall we? The main question is….(dramatic pause)….what do you reckon the Deputy knew, and when do you reckon he reckoned it?

Barney assumes a flustered look, Andy a pained expression.

Mayor: As the duly chosen presiding judge of this inquiry, I call the afore-mentioned Deputy Fife to the witness table.

Barney rises methodically and takes his seat at the witness table.

Mayor: Deputy Fife, since you are the…umm…focus of this inquiry, I thought it would be appropriate for you to speak first in your own defense.

Barney: (formally) Thank you, your honor. (turns to those assembled) I have a few words to say. (clears throat) This hearing should bear witness to the fact that the break-in of Wally's Filling Station and Pyle Campaign Headquarters, as perpetrated by Ernest T. Bass, Briscoe Darling, and the Darling brothers, was an act solely driven by their intent to steal Cuban cigars. Il-legal Cuban contraband, stashed away by the Pyles-candidates for sheriff! (spectators gasp) As for the shameful allegations that I am somehow involved: (pause) My fellow Mayberrians, you deserve to know whether your Deputy Sheriff is a crook. Well, I ain't a crook! (pause) And, I might add…(pointing to Bass) I did not have conspiratorial relations with that man. I repeat…(pounding on table)…I did not have conspiratorial relations with that man!

FLIP OVER TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-MOMENTS LATER

Mayor: I call our next witness, Floyd Lawson.

Camera pans over to and stops on Floyd, in white barber smock, already sitting amiably at the witness table. In fact, much too amiably, as he waves and exchanges pleasantries to the people behind him.

Mayor: (annoyed at Floyd's behavior) Mr. Lawson, if you'd kindly focus your attention to the matter at hand-

Floyd: (oblivious to the Mayor's admonition, he turns his attention to the principal adversaries, Barney and Andy on one side, Gomer and Goober on the other) Oh, hi……Andy, hi….Barney (he turns to the Pyles, and assumes a befuddled expression) Oh, and hello Gomer……Goober……(stares at the Pyles long hair and disheveled appearance)…Ahh….umm…&= #133;(long pause)…Aren't….aren't you boys due for a trim?

Mayor: Mr. Lawson!!

Floyd: (startled, turns to Mayor) Oh!

Mayor: Mr. Lawson, we have very important questions to ask you this afternoon, we would appreciate your full and undivided attention.

Floyd: Oh…you will…you will (nodding) Undivided.

Mayor: It has come to our knowledge that you, as proprietor of Mayberry's only barber shop, may have been privy to sensitive conversations and discussions concerning the break-in of Wally's Filling Station.

Floyd: Ahh…..(hint of recognition)…the break-in at Wally's….(suddenly remembers, becomes indignant) A heinous crime…..despicable! (pounds arms of chair)

Mayor: (perks up, maybe onto something) Committed by Ernest T. Bass and the Darlings….(pointing to the jail cells)

Floyd: (mood suddenly changes, from righteous anger to pleasant demeanor) Ahh, yes…the Darlings….Such sweet lads…….And talented too!

Mayor buries head in hands.

Floyd: Have them play "Footprints in the Snow" sometime…beautiful song….just beautiful…..

Mayor: Forget the footprints! Forget the snow! Focus, Mr. Lawson, focus! (regains composure…) Now, tell us about a particular conversation you had with Deputy Fife just a day before the break-in.

Floyd: Yes. Well, Barney came in for his regular trim. (snickers) I like to call it his "Tuesday touch-up".

Mayor: Continue.

Floyd: Though, he didn't need much "touching up" that morning. Barney's hair doesn't…come in…as quickly as it once did…(turns to Barney) Maybe we should call it your "every other Tuesday touch-up" from now on, Barn. (laughing)

Barney expresses a look of both humiliation and anger.

Mayor: And what did the Deputy have to say that morning!?

Floyd: He seemed to be in a…"peppy"…mood, as I remember.

Mayor: Peppy, eh?

Floyd: Yes…yes. (thinks) I seem to recall…he was especially happy and relieved to have…as he put it…"nipped"…something…"in the bud"

Mayor: Did he say whose "bud" he "nipped", Mr. Lawson?

Floyd: No…but he did mention that a couple of no-good "zippies"-

Mayor: (correcting) Hippies?

Floyd: Zippies, hippies, whatever. Anyway, he said they were finally going to be brought (makes pressing motion with thumb) "under…his…thumb".

Gomer: (suddenly) Yes! Under the thumb of Big Brother Barney Fife!

Mayor: (bangs gavel) Order! Order in this court, Mr. Pyle!

Goober: (whispers) Big brother? I thought you were an only child, Gomer.

Gomer gives Goober dismissive glance.

Mayor: Go on, Mr. Lawson.

Floyd: Barney seemed…especially angry…at what had happened the night before-

Gomer: (raising clinched fist, defiantly) Yes! I led an all-night sit-in at the Mayberry National Guard Armory, fightin' the Establishment!! Fightin' the Man!!

Goober: (whispers) Did you whup him?! What was the man's name, Gome?

Mayor: (again, bangs gavel) Gomer Pyle! Any more outbursts, and you and that imbecilic cousin of yours will be held in contempt! Understand?!

Provoked, Gomer angrily, defiantly, raises his right arm in a mock Nazi salute, in satirical protest of the Mayor.

Gomer: (giving salute) Sieg Heil!! (he pronounces it as if calling hogs)

Goober looks at Gomer, not sure of what to do. He takes Gomer's lead, and starts to give the outstretched Nazi salute. But he notices the Mayor's stare, and self-consciously turns his satirical mock fascist gesture into a meek wave.

Mayor: (had enough) Bailiffs!! Takes these two...(searches)…boobs…out of this courthouse!

As the bailiffs roll Gomer out the door, he continues to "sieg heil" from his wheelchair. Goober complains he left his peanuts.

FLIP OVER TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-MOMENTS LATER

Ernest T. Bass sits at the witness table. He is uncharacteristically sedate, determined to continue cover-up.

Mayor: (disbelieving) And so you, Mr. Darling, and his sons, broke into Wally's, rifled every filing cabinet, pulled out every drawer, basically demolishing the place, all in order to steal a box of Cuban cigars?

Bass: (nodding, in a mechanically rehearsed fashion…) That…is…my…sto-ry…and…I'm-a…stick-ing…to&= #133;it. (quickly turns to Barney) Now where's my fifty bucks, Barn? I did whatcha asked me!…

Barney almost bursts with eye-popping, pursed-lips shock.

FLIP OVER TO:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-MOMENTS LATER

Mayor: Now, we come to our final witness. A surprise witness.

The spectators turn in unison toward the front door. In walks young Opie Taylor, carrying a reel-to-reel tape recorder. He walks dutifully to the witness table, on which he places the recorder.

Andy: (surprised) Opie?! What are you doin' here?

Opie: Don't you remember the tape recorder you bought me for my birthday, Pa?

Andy: Yes, son, I got it to help you in your piano lessons with the widow Frawley-

Mayor: Umm…Sheriff Taylor, I understand the boy's a tad young, but I invited him here nonetheless. Seems he may have, umm, pertinent information to share.

Andy: Well…

Opie: Can I, Pa?

Andy: (nervously) Well…ok.

Opie: (sits down) When I heard y'all were having a meeting here, I ran home and grabbed my recorder.

Mayor: You were planning to tape record the proceedings?

Opie: Yes sir. Just like I've been tapin' other things here in the courthouse.

Andy and Barney seemed very alarmed.

Mayor: Let me get this straight. You have tape recordings of conversations held in this courthouse?

Opie: Yes sir. You see, Miss Crump told us to write a paper on a "day in the life" of our dad. I figured the best way to go about writing it would be to record what actually goes on in here. I hid the recorder in the bottom drawer of pa's desk…(turns to Andy) Since it was for school and everything, I didn't think Pa would mind. Do you Pa?

Andy: I, umm…well…(flustered)

Barney looks shocked.

Mayor: Why don't you play us what you have there, Opie.

Sequence ensues, with dramatic music but no dialogue, showing those assembled reacting to the incriminating conversations heard on Opie's recorder. A succession of shocked espressions are shown in close-up. Although no dialogue is heard, it seems evident that Barney's fate is sealed. Slow fade out as Barney stares into space, contemplating his demise.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INTERIOR-COURTHOUSE-NEXT DAY

Andy sits dejectedly at his desk. Barney is in the process of submitting official resignation.

Andy: Barn, if it's any consolation, since you're resigning, Gomer and Goober decided not to press charges.

Barney: (sniffs) Oh, that's big of them. (removes badge, holster with gun) Here it is.

Andy: (nods to Barney's shirt pocket) Umm…

Barney: Oh. (reaches into shirt pocket, removes single bullet, hands it to Andy) The final indignity.

Andy: Ready?

Barney nods. Andy stands, joining Barney as they both slowly begin Barney's final trek out the courthouse door. Camera cuts to the exterior, where a crowd of Fife supporters has gathered, including Aunt Bea, Opie, Floyd, and others, many in tears. They form a long gauntlet, extending to the waiting black and white patrol car. Andy and Barney finally make it to the car, and as Andy enters the driver's side, Barney pauses. Choking back emotion, he turns to the crowd and gives a final sweeping wave and victory sign. Dramatic music rises as the black and white patrol car drives away.

FADE OUT.

Epilogue. Text shown in "rolling-scroll" format.

Following the conspiracy hearing, criminal charges were brought against both Gomer Pyle (contempt of court) and Goober Pyle (possession of illegal Cuban cigars). Although these charges were dropped, the boorish behavior of the Pyle cousins eventually turned Mayberry public opinion against them. The Pyles withdrew from the sheriff race and political activism-- Goober joining the cast of a syndicated Nashville-based country music/comedy television series; Gomer moving to Hawaii and becoming a gentleman macadamia nut farmer. As for the disgraced Barney Fife, he, too, changed careers, locales, and even his name, joining his brother in the apartment management business in southern California. And Andy Taylor? Determined to restore order and stability to his hometown, Sheriff Taylor delayed retirement and remained sheriff. A sheriff not only without a gun, but without a Barney, Gomer, or Goober as well.

THE END